You ever thought about suicide? Have you ever wanted to know how it would feel like ? Have you ever wondered what people would think of you and say after you were gone from this world?
Well i have. And it was hard to even think about it. It was hard to wonder and it was hard to figure out what i wanted from this life. Do i want to continue and struggle day by day and try to achieve my goals no matter what? Or do i want to forget about everything and make my life easier by vanishing from this land? I know that everyone has depression, and i know that some have major deppresion. That is when they start to think about suicide. And i know that some even tried to kill themselves, which is called Dysthamia. I sometimes wonder if i have it. because i remember 3 years ago, i tried to kill myself by cutting up my veins. But i didn't because i had someone to be by my side. To convince me to not do it and that there's life ahead of you. There is something interesting that is gonna happen to you. And i believed him and he was right. I opened up my talents, i opened my mind and i just started working, not caring of what people thought of me. I made a new page in my life. I started to live once again. I started to have as much hobbies as possible, singing, writing, playing an istrument and then finally once i leveled up i actually got to be someone i really wanted to be. A singer. A songwriter. An entertainer. Someone who would inspire people. But then again, life doesnt becomes wonderful after that. I came to New Zealand after two wonderful years in Azerbaijan. That's when everything was shattered in me. As if it was a huge deja vu coming back towards me and echoing "Everything will come back just the way it was at the first time." And it did. Here, people are different. Some are really lovely yet some are really mean. Some take care of me yet some don't even know that i exist. Nobody understands how hard it is for a single girl to move out alone with no parents as a guide and study in a place where you don't know anyone. Nobody knows how hard it is to keep up with everyting and everyone. Some might have experienced it and have went through a lot of depression. But yet, i still don't understand how they managed to be strong and keep up with life. I have heard about one guy trying to kill himself so many times but then again, there were reasons why he was not able to kill himself. It was like a sign. A sign that he has to live and that he has a great future far ahead of him even though he was bullied and was struggled and was on his knees the whole time, trying with all his mighty power to stand up for himself and show that he is courageous enough to walk the mile of mserability. I wonder. I always do. But then again, i wonder if i will have Dysthamia again. I have been thinking about having suicide for a while now and i have asked my brother : How would you react if i would hang myself? His answer? I'd kill you, so you would be dead twice. A joke. A sibling joke. But he didn't get it. I was serious. I was dead serious about everything.
You never know when a person who is your relative, your friends or just a stranger beside you - you never know what they think about. One day they will just disappear from this world. They'll be gone. And you will never know why or for what reason they have departed this place. You will never know what they went through, you will never know why they cried and why they battled with their scars. But what you will know is that there was a secret they were hiding. A secret nobody knew. A secret I don't even know myself.
It's just life. It's a struggle. It's a test. it's an experiment that you try to solve by living. You would think i am the nicest, bubbliest person in the world, but i am just a girl who sings and works 24/7 and has a choice: Live through a struggle. Or die for peace.
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